Here is the mash-up between my mental narration (in a female Scottish accent of course) and the dressing room text messages between my sister and I (she was watching my children) during my big day out to ‘stock up on maternity clothes’.
MY BRAIN: This will be so worth the two hour trip into town. Ah, no kids, I can do this so quickly!
I can’t wait to see what there are for options. Maternity clothes have come such a long way. I can finally get some clothes that fit me, something I feel good in…..
I’ll try pants first. I’m so excited to get a pair of skinny jeans, I could wear them every day! Those other two pairs of maternity jeans I have make me look a 13-year-old skater boy….with a beer gut, and pretty hair.
Huh! Am I missing a body part? This is the right size after all. I don’t think that part of me will get any bigger to fill that in……
oh well, it’s gonna be summer anyways. Sundresses and flip flops! Maybe I don’t need pants.
Okay…dresses…..Why are they all empire waist!? The Greek goddess look only works when you don’t look like you ate a Greek goddess and then shimmied into her clothes like a tomcat getting shoved into spanx. Really, I look like a frat boy with pretty hair at a toga party.
Well, how about something non-maternity. Ah ruching, the BFF of lumps and bumps everywhere….
Hey butt! I know we haven’t always gotten along ever since I labelled you a useless pancake, but when did you decide to trickle down and form a cushy two feet of flat padding, instead of maintaining the regulation 12 inches of semi-rounded cheeks?! WHEN I ask you! WHEN!?
Besides, who wears stripes on their ass on a good day?!
Maxi dresses, they are pretty foolproof, breezy and comfy……but why are they all striped? I could wear these….alone…. in my backyard. Out in public I might be mistaken for an untethered beach umbrella tumbling down the sidewalk, with pretty hair.
Screw it, let’s stick with shirts. I’ll figure out the rest later [code for I’m succumbing to perma-sweats]
Okay, shirts, you are simple to figure out. Huh? More stripes!? I mean aren’t there other options out there maternity clothing designers? I know florals make preggos look like a bad home-ec project involving some hand-me-down drapes but all these stripes!! They are taking the ‘cute nautical trend’ and weaving a giant joke of a bulging circus tent.
Guess I’ll just get a couple to add to my collection of striped maternity tops, at least the new ones won’t have food stains on the belly…..
|My coveted collection of striped maternity tops.|
Okay, three striped shirts is all I will buy…….I guess I could also get some peasant tops. There’s lots and lots of pastel, crepe-papery peasant tops…… F-it! I’m buying shoes!
And finishing off with tea. WTF is this Oprah!?
This post is coming live to you written by a 29 week pregnant woman wearing sweats and striped t-shirt.