The other week, in the Simple Saturdays email, I shared about those in-between moments of my day and how I found myself reaching for my phone during those times. (I’ll share that post at the end here)

I had a lot of feedback from that email. So many other moms shared similar reactions, that it kind of shook them out of their autopilot and reminded them that they wanted to put the phone down more often. 

As you read what I am writing here, I encourage you to lower any defensiveness. I am not here to shame or judge anyone’s phone usage. I am here to share my own experiences and thoughts on how it impacts me as a mom.  

Craving a day offline

Since I shared that email, I have been paying much more attention to my phone usage (accountability is the side-effect of sharing your life on the internet!). I woke up one day this past weekend. Instead of a morning scroll, I was struck with a craving to put the phone down for the day. (Also, definitely related to the growing polarization of opinions I see online, that my Type 9 heart struggles to reconcile). 

This day reminded me of the seasons of life where I tried to make it a sabbath practice, a day of rest from my phone.  Which is interesting because we are turning to our phones as a way to ‘check out’ and ‘rest’ but it often becomes a form of self-comfort rather than self-care. 

I was feeling very, ‘only nature and Creation can heal me now’. I found myself craving the kind of comfort and care that can only come from being in your body, rather than in your head. A deep draw to be in a sunbeam somewhere with my head held up and my eyes looking out into the distance.

Guys, I get why retired women go into the forest with other women and admire the moon and hug trees. I get it now!! I’m ready for it! Please invite me!

The good and bad of being online, as a mom

Motherhood and phone use is a topic I have coached on with many many moms, and shared about here. . . .

From the pressure to be a Pinterest Mom, 

assessing for ourselves how we use Instagram,

finding an online community of moms (#instamomclub),

balancing how we also show up in real life and being more aware of how social media impacts us as moms. 

I have also made episodes and worksheets on how to assess your current phone usage, and how to plan ways to be more intentional with your phone usage. 

What I take from all of this, is that the internet can be a beautiful place to learn and connect and get great ideas. For instance, I save my fave IG that I think my kids will love, and then we all sit down as a family and watch them on rainy days. It is so much fun!

I also know it can swing the other way and it can be a place of overwhelm, hurt and conflict. There is so much misinformation, scams and marketing. Plus, the impact of AI and the future of the internet is something my brain doesn’t even want to acknowledge right now. 

 

Moms with Phones, Kids with Phones

My increased self-auditing of how I use my phone is also coming from my kids watching me.  After a couple of years of my kids using the epically embarrassing flip phone, we allowed our oldest (13) to get a smartphone.

We sat with our oldest and wrote up this code of conduct with our expectations of them and what they could expect from us.  This became a whole family conversation about what we expect from our kids and screen usage, which comes with being called out when you, as a parent, don’t behave in the same way. 

I think this underscores the struggle that we feel at any age when it comes to the addictive nature of our phones. 

 

Looking up vs looking down 

When you look up from your phone the first thing you notice is how many people are looking down at their phones.  And I get it! When we are on our phones, they have all our attention. Our brain is fully on the thing we are reading or watching. We aren’t aware of what is happening around us. 

I’ve shared in the phone episodes, that something I often will think about is this:

How do my kids experience me when I am on my phone?

Because I don’t know what it is like to have a parent who has a cell phone/smartphone.

I don’t know what it is like to be talking to a parent and have them looking down at the thing in their hands.

I don’t know what it is like to ask my parent something and be told to ‘wait, while I send this message’.

I don’t know what it is like to watch TV beside my parent on the couch and have them looking at their phone. 

I don’t know what it is like to be playing a game with my parent and a ding noise pulls their attention away. 

And I know my kid has experienced me doing these things over the years.

And I wonder what it feels like to them, and what their brain makes it mean regarding how we relate to one another and the phone. Because we are teaching them a framework for this, the same way we teach them the word for water or to brush their teeth at night. 

This kind of thinking is what convicts me to put my phone down more.  And when I do, I realize:

1. HOW UNCOMFORTABLE it is to put it down and keep it down 

2. HOW I CRAVE being unplugged from it

3. The things in my body and life that are begging for my attention 

I could write so much more on this, and if you would like that, please comment on this post and let me know. 

With that, I will wrap it up with the post I shared in the Simple Saturdays email: 

 

Screen Time and Down Time

Over the past few years our routine has included me working til 3, the kids getting home, snacks, tv, some chores, then me making dinner while doing whatever drop off/pick up is needed for that nights activities.    There is a lot of in-between time for me.  Time where nobody really needs me, everyone is having their own time, maybe I could start dinner, maybe dinner is in the oven.  But it is me in the kitchen feeling restless with how to fill the psuedo-down time sprinkled in the afternoon.    This past week I found myself turning to the phone.  I’d find myself alone in the kitchen, and pick up my phone I’d find myself waiting in the vehicle for a kid, and pick up my phone I noticed that I wasn’t able to disconnect, I felt this pressure like I was missing something if I didn’t check my phone.  Part of this draw to my phone is that I have taken on a volunteer role that was taking a lot of back and forth emails. I found myself tense with getting these tasks off my plate. Eventually I had to set a limit for myself on checking my email at longer intervals, like every 40 minutes, not every 15-20.    I looked at my screen time stats this morn and could see how much more time I spent on my phone last week. I let myself go on autopilot and wasn’t very intentional with how I wanted to be spending my time and energy.    Here is the thing, picking up my phone is easy. It fills my time and entertains me in those moments. But for me, it felt like it was becoming my default and when I had a chance to have down time and live in the real world and in my body and heart, I was turning to a phone instead, just living in my head.    So, this week I aimed to be much more intentional with my phone.  I picked up magazines and books that I keep in the living room I put music on the house speaker rather than a podcast in my headphones I set limits on how often I could check my email  I tried different stress relief strategies (cause checking emails didn’t end up calming me down at all!)  I listened to the limit notifications I set on IG instead of ignoring them I mopped the floor and cleaned bathrooms  And of course I watched Love is Blind and Married at First Sight on my laptop while making dinner cause that is my lil treat I did crossword puzzles at night instead of being sucked into the perpetual scroll   And I will tell you, it didn’t all feel great.  Of course it didn’t.  The dopamine hit we get from our phones is next level. Our brain thinks where there is dopamine there is reward/survival. So when we ignore the urge to pick up the phone and our brain thinks we NEED it – you will notice that sitting with that urge can feel so wildly uncomfortable.    Try it.  Try being in a waiting room, or waiting in your car, or having a commercial break on a show – and notice how your brain gives you that urge to pick up the phone. Notice how it feels to resist. It is uncomfortable. For many of us. we have to do the work of sitting with that discomfort and learning to tolerate it, bit by bit (discomfort tolerance) I am not telling you this to say ‘hey, look at me, I’m so flipping mindful about my phone!’ I’m sharing this because I think it shows how easy it is for us all to turn to a phone, and yeah, it often feels more fun and interesting than my real life.    I am sharing this to remind you that you can pay attention to what actually feels good for you. Is it self comfort or self care? (and sometimes we need a lil coping strategy and I can think of worse ones that the phone) And I am sharing this to remind you that you don’t have to be over-restrictive with yourself and your phone, you can try little strategies that move you back into your body and your life.