Relationship Superpower: Empathy and validation

This blog post was first shared in the Simple Saturdays email. Though we usually stick to shorter content in that newsletter, your Nerdy Girlfriend and Counsellor had a lot of thoughts on this topic. I hope it helps you improve your relationships, especially with your kids and partner.

My oldest is entering high school so I have been sharing with my kids (and their friends) about my first day of Grade 8.

I tell them how I was so nervous I repeatedly packed and repacked my school supplies the week before. I felt so grown up to have a binder, whiteout, and highlighters instead of duo tangs and pencils. But I knew I was about to enter that big school and feel very small.

Do you remember what you wore on the first day of high school?

I never paid much attention to my clothes until my mid-20s, but I sure do remember the black denim overalls, the sunflower baby tee and the (fake) Doc Martens.

Back-to-school outfits were rare for our home, so it felt like a big deal to have a new outfit put together, especially to balance out my big ole brace face.

I laugh to see teens wearing these 90s fits today and clothes shopping with my daughter involves a lot of me saying things like

‘why are we bringing back brown stripes?’

‘we invented sweater vests with wide leg cords!’

I often try to remind myself that, as with everyone, the most ‘relevant’ age to us is the age we are.

Of course, I think 42 is the most relevant age but when I was 13, all that mattered to me or felt important to me was what life was like for 13-year-olds.

(Side note, I turned 42 last week and my daughter made me a gluten-free cake with IMO too many candles)

When I look at my kids getting older, I try to ask myself ‘What is it like to be a 10 or 13-year-old boy right now? What is it like to be a 12-year-old girl right now?’

I can think I know, but I don’t know. As I remember 10, 12 and 13, it probably isn’t as easy as I assume it ‘should’ be for them. Especially with all the online influence and pressures too.

There was a time I went to the guidance counsellor as a new Grade 8er. I had written a note to a friend and in it I wrote that a new girl we met was as pretty as a model. The note got out and I felt so embarrassed, for whatever 13-year-old reason, I thought it was the end of my (very small) social life.

The guidance counsellor told me that it would blow over and it wasn’t that big of a deal. And even though he would be right, I felt so brushed off and misunderstood.

It was a rare time when I finally reached out to an adult with a problem. I had always ‘dealt with it’ internally. I left that conversation with the guidance counsellor feeling silly to have come to them (adding to my already existing embarrassment), and like they didn’t ‘get it’, and it didn’t reinforce any desire to return to an adult for help in the future.

I am sharing this with you because I feel like this a good thing to remember as our kids start out a new school year.

No matter our age, we all need empathy and validation. Even if we are teenagers with a very narrow and self-focused view of the world.

Something I am always encouraging my clients to do (with all relationships) is to stop and validate first.

When your child tells you they hate school and don’t want to go.
Don’t launch into a speech of what they SHOULD think.

First, empathize and validate.

‘That sounds hard’ “What do you hate about it?’ ‘I remember feeling that way, it can be tough’

When your teenager feels like they are being left out socially
You can’t change their mind and convince them it is not a big deal (because to them, it is the biggest of deals)

Try empathy and curiosity.

‘I’m sorry, that is a tough feeling’ ‘What is it like for you?’

It is interesting, as parents we tend to feel some kind of entitlement to tell our kids what they SHOULD be thinking and feeling.

Watch yourself through the day.

If you hear your kid complaining about school or chores or dinner, we are quick to tell them what they should and shouldn’t feel and think.

We do it in sneaky ways too . . .

‘when I was a kid I would have loved to have someone cooking me dinner every night’

‘there are kids in the world who don’t get their own bedroom, so you should appreciate this and clean it’

I do it too.

And it comes from a place of desperately seeking peace around us.

We want our people to be happy and grateful.

Often we have this framework:

Happy people = peace in the environment = safety

As a culture, we don’t have much tolerance for ‘negative’ emotions.

We struggle to see our kids or spouses feeling unhappy or even worse, angry. (But we can all be a little bit different, I can tolerate sadness in those around me a lot more than I can tolerate anger)

But these are the feelings of life.

And we can only work through them by

acknowledging them (oh there is anxiety, there is regret, there is embarrassment),
validating them (it is tough to feel, it feels so uncomfortable)
and then offering support that feels right for their age and stage (How can I help you? Do you want to know what I think about it? Do you just want some space?)

In the Gottman Couples Therapy training, they shared research on the positive impact of empathizing with your partner’s emotion BEFORE going into problem-solving.

So, empathy and validation is a tool we can use in every relationship in our life.

Imagine how a relationship can change if you take yourself off the hook for solving other people’s thoughts and feelings.
(I know for our peace keepers and people pleasers this feels like a foreign concept.)

You don’t HAVE to change your kid’s mind on what they think about people or themselves or chores, or whatever. You could try and just listen to their feelings and validate them, they can often get to problem solving on their own. Maybe you guide them with your suggestions and experiences, but the conversation is no longer a tug-of-war over what to think and feel (which really, leaves us as parents, feeling ineffective and frustrated).

Allow people to have their feelings.

Offer warmth and empathy (this will always make the relationship stronger than telling them what they should think and feel).

And instead of rushing to solve it (in your way and with your own thoughts vs their own way and thoughts), ask how you can support them.