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Two Pink Lines {Trying to Conceive}

I know it’s ridiculous.
I know just because I think something, doesn’t make it truth.  
But I felt such a loss. Though I didn’t lose anything, or anyone I should say.
Getting pregnant was a struggle with our first, then an unplanned God-sent surprise with our second.
I can call it hopeful, though it’s filed under naïve, that I just assumed it would be a swift attempt to make number three.
I thought within no time would I feel that shifting deep inside. My  body and heart making room for this new person.
Recently, I thought I was feeling that familiar widening of space. Those twinges and cramps that awaken sleeping parts of a mother in me. The gut reaction to hold my hands against my abdomen for no reason at all, other than to acknowledge. I claimed these sensations. I felt lighter and heavier all at once. I became pregnant in my thoughts.
That gap from month to month becomes a waiting room.  I needed confirmation. I took some tests. I didn’t see two pink lines. By default I assumed it was too early.
Then I was late, and started to walk around with a knowing smirk. Planning a grande finale reveal to my husband. But I didn’t see two pink lines.
So I waited, and then I saw red. It raised questions to which I told myself that the levels are still too low and this is spotting.
But more days passed  and I didn’t see two pink lines. Just more red. 
I’d like to say I enjoyed some wine and ate some sushi and soft cheeses. That I quickly moved on and felt peace that all would happen in God’s perfect timing.
Instead those pregnant thoughts birthed into an old tiny man. He sat on a chair in my living room. Invisible and grumbling at how foolish I was to think it could happen so quickly. Scoffing at the unplaced mourning I was in.  
And I know this is that part that sounds crazy.  I cried. For the baby I imagined I was carrying.  I felt such a loss for something I only had in my mind.
So my husband poured me a glass of red. Brought home every soft cheese available in town. He encouraged me to order an eviction notice to the unseen heckler. Then he smiled tenderly and said, ‘guess we will just have to keep trying then’.
This was a quiet ceremony to acknowledge the disappointment that marks my heart’s desires. A refresher course in God’s grace. A nod to the two little miracles that as my Grandma says ‘are on loan to me’. 

I won’t give you all the scripture and quotes that have been patch-quilting into my thoughts. I will just say that I recognize the need to have more faith in the words that leave my lips.  That I am aiming higher at where I place my hope to rest. 

I just needed to be sad for a bit.

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13 thoughts on “Two Pink Lines {Trying to Conceive}”

  1. My heart aches for you today. Just because the pregnancy only existed in your head, doesn’t make it any less real to your heart. Hopefully you can find some peace in between the craziness to mourn what could have been. Fingers crossed the next time around!

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  2. I understand your pain. My husband and I recently experienced our first miscarriage. It’s difficult finding out that it didn’t work this go around, when you want it so bad.

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  3. Hugs to you! I’ve been there. Not even trying to get pregnant but being late and kinda thinking to myself I was, only not to be. I totally felt like I had lost a baby. You aren’t alone my friend!

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  4. It’s okay to feel sad and mourn. I know how you feel as we dealt with a miscarriage in my first pregnancy. Only time will help you move on and feel better. And then one day you will see the two lines and rejoice!

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  5. This just made me cry.
    I just went through the same thing.
    I swore up and down I was pregnant with our second, I had the symptoms and couldn’t explain it. The slight cramps.. The cravings.. The nausea. And just that feeling.
    I was excited and I started to think about how we would announce it. My husband was excited.
    I took 5 different tests. And then I had the same slight spotting.
    My heart broke as well and I felt like I had lost this dreamed up baby.

    Thank you for writing this.
    I’m so glad I’m not alone.

    -Nicole

    Ourhumblewebb.blogspot.com

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  6. Thank you for leaving your comment Nicole. I’m glad I’m not the only one too. I know it seemed insignificant in the grand scheme but it was impactful on me and I can see you feel the same way. xo Shawna

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  7. I was creeping around on your blog, because well, that’s what I do, and I came across this post again. I remembered the first time I read it, and the emotions came flooding back. I felt sad for what you were experience and sad for myself. Just 5 days before you had posted it, I experienced my first miscarriage at 11 weeks, it actually occurred the same day I was going in for our first ultrasound, ironic really. So the emotions that you were writing and sharing were so similar to the ones that we were feeling in this household, provided some comfort. It’s okay to be sad for a bit, but to also remember things keep moving forward. (And look where we are now!)

    Anyways, I suppose I just wanted to let you know that even as months go by, your words still resonate and I appreciate all that you share.

    xo

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