Lately my one and a half-year-old has a new game. He spins and spins in circles and then stumbles around laughing like a maniac.
Because turns out kids are tiny little glorious maniacs.
And like most other homes with maniacs, there always seems to be someone not wearing pants or peeing behind a tree, and attesting, ‘hey! I could do that!’ to every risky activity.
And that, along with our current intake of foods covered in bacon and cheese, it is becoming apparent that I am running a toddler frat house.
Of course, the only ones drinking are me and Conor while we fold ten baskets of laundry and binge watch Outlander (get on our level), but we still jokingly reference our kids’ behaviour as ‘go home you’re drunk’.
Which has got me thinking….toddlers are like the person your bestie becomes when she has had too much to drink. . . . .
- They have party tricks. Your bestie might break out the worm or some weird double-jointed phenomenon. Toddlers are more likely running about proudly demonstrating their ability to ‘be a transformer’ or ‘put things up their nose’.
- Their style choices become questionable. Maybe only one of these groups is being over-ambitious with the amount of sequins they can pull off – but at the end of the night your bestie and toddler both have put undergarments or socks in your purse, have someone else’s shirt on and their shoes are too small but ‘so cute’ and possibly on the wrong foot.
- Every song is ‘their song’. Be it Beyonce, or Let It Go, there will be a gasp and hipshake when ‘their song’/every song starts playing. Be prepared for an imminent shaking of what their mama gave them, and full-volume singing of the song with an obvious deviation from the ‘correct’ lyrics.
- They have no sense of direction. Everyone knows the right way home, everyone except your drunk bestie and your toddler. They are being a backseat driver distracting you with shoddy directions, asking for their window rolled down, interrogating you what you just put in your mouth (‘nothing, I am eating nothing’) and threatening an ad hoc purse inspection for snack contents. But we all know they are really trying to trick you into taking them for donuts, or hot dogs (see below).
- They are equally enthusiastic about hot dogs. You’d think nobody loves a good bar-dog more than your drunk bestie, but you are wrong, your toddlers love them just as much (which is a nice deviation from a constant diet of breakfast foods). However your bestie no doubt loads them with every condiment in the cart and the preschoolers want . . . just ketchup (also known as ‘toddler gravy’ in our home).
Bonus reason: they are maniacs after your own heart. Their mere company fills your life with exponentially more adventure, song, outtakes, and carbs than you knew imaginable – had it not been for their reckless unbelief in the impossible.
Thanks for reading.
Love Shawna, Your nerdy girlfriend who perhaps has been the ‘drunk bestie’ a time or two. Wanna go get a hot dog?
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