Dear Non-Pregnant Self {Ten Reasons NOT to Have A Fourth Kid}

I have a very important message for you, you must listen carefully.

It is not a matter of IF

It is a matter of WHEN.

You WILL want another baby.

Even though you are pregnant now and saying a daily promise “this is my last pregnancy”, you will soon loosen your commitment to these words. Newborn nostalgia will drown your heart in soupy emotions, get your ovaries drunk and unleash the part of your brain that makes you weepy and overly-maternal. You will want to booty call your husband. Maybe even get all sentimental about the precious new life a baby brings. You WILL be thinking it is time for another baby. 

It is not. 

Going from one to two was an easy jump, kids are like pack animals, they work better in tandem. Makes sense to make it a set and have one more. Three was a stretch in many people’s eyes but it was something you had your heart set on. So now you are asking ‘what is one more? I would love to have a bigger family! Why not four if we have three?’…..well, Saggy Lady With Mom-nesia,  I’ll tell you ten reasons WHY NOT

1. Remember how you said pregnancy makes you ‘your worst possible self’? oh, you ‘forgot’ did you – let me recap for you: you are overwhelmingly tired,  irrationally irritable to those closest to you, have daily headaches, complain that you feel like a whale, and you fart every 15 minutes after 6pm on to morning. You also can’t eat soft cheeses, lunch meat and sushi. So reason one: Pregnancy.

2. You are running out of space. Sure there is a chasm of love in your heart and crap like that, but logistically. Adding in another crib, another carseat, high chair, bumbo, exersaucer, bath seat, teddy bears, and a whole other set of Christmas and birthday gifts. Your home is about to look like you hired a Honey Boo Boo Child as an interior decorator….because in a way you did, times four.

3. This image: wool nursing pads that fall out of your nursing bra – which by the way, resembles a hospital restraint device.  Your girls have been through a lot and your nipples aren’t even pointing the same way any more. Yes, another baby will give you a generous new lease on womanly curves but this is a temporary lie.  You have finally found peace with your bosom and worked out a system of padded bras to balance the lopsided remains of what was once your bosom

4. Sure you can make homemade wine to pad the increasing demand you will need, but have you seen your grocery bill lately?! You’ve got a gluten-free kid to feed and they only eat more as they get older. Quinoa flour and aged cheddar are expensive! Good food and wine are one of the few luxuries you have as a mom, but I’m sure you can learn to appreciate the no-name brand of pickles and get really creative with dinners made solely from potatoes and frozen peas. Lowering your standards is always a fun exercise in life. 

5. You can see it on the horizon – the ultimate goal of parenting toddlers: sleeping through the night, potty trained, feeding themselves, playing independently. Although a baby is a blessing, they are also a ‘go back to start’ card.  Your whole family is ready to move to the next stage of outings, events and park dates – sure you can pack around a baby everywhere, but you already struggle with keeping everyone in the line of sight; running for potty breaks, and snatching away that leftover pepperoni they found on the ground. And did I mention sleeping through the night? Also, who throws out good meat!? Just saying.

6. This is another well -timed delay in getting your ‘fit mom’ status. Remember that day is always looking where you will have to fulfill your commitment to do  a home-made version of T25 and learning how to do a headstand once you ‘are done’

7. All those ‘sets of three’ you’ve bought thinking you could finally commit to a trio of Christmas stockings, matching dishes, lawn chairs, Easter mugs and all the other seasonal paraphernalia will be useless. You have two options: One. find some knock off versions that look similar for the fourth child, and they will always know they were an afterthought or Two, start from a very pricey square one.

10. And finally, I hate to tell you straight up. But you are writing cheques your body can’t cash. You are one jumping jack and unexpected sneeze away from being the Depends poster girl. You are also running out of room on your belly for stretch marks, they might just start to streak horizontally as well as vertically making you look like a walking hashtag.

So while you still remember all these things:  run home, burn your nursing bras, schedule the vasectomy and start homebrewing some wine in the basement.

You will thank me a year from now.

Sincerely,

Your Very Pregnant Self