I used to hide all my frustrations. Pretend I didn’t have them.
I used to just float about life with the good girl syndrome and a smile on my face. Keeping under the radar. Doing just enough of the ‘right’ stuff so I wouldn’t have to do any more or any less. I was on autopilot.
I had to confront my frustrations. Especially the anger I had buried that motherhood has been more of a struggle than I ever imagined. The relentlessness wears me down. I thought I would be better at this.
But I’m learning that ‘better’ is really just the sum of everyone else’s best qualities. It isn’t attainable.
I am learning that my imperfections and my mistakes help me to love better. As do my strengths, my talents, and my natural affinity to make delicious breakfasty foods.
I had been feeling so much pressure to have tremendous ‘intention’ behind my mothering. To ‘make the memories I want them to have’. To be a certain type of mom who does certain types of things ALL THE TIME!
But I was letting my sights dart out into the world without seeing the scene playing out in my backyard.
I have said before that I feel like I have to ‘mother on purpose’. That I have to make myself stop, slow down, and just indulge. That I have to make myself do certain activities and tasks that I am so not interested in or comfortable with. (*cough, road trips* cough, picnics*)
I think this is a great thing to do. To identify some real intentions and be purposeful about doing them. But I also need to respect that God has already made me a mother on purpose.
Just as my Grandma always says, ‘they are just on loan to us’, and God makes no mistakes about who He loans His children out to. I am doing things every single day that are scribbling little notes on the pages of their heart. I was made to be me, on purpose. I am the mother they were meant to have.
So, I made a list. Because lists have a magic power to pull more and more out of your brain that you didn’t know was there. They seem nerdy but I’m fairly certain they are part of the path to enlightenment.
So….lists. I made one called ‘the mother my kids will remember‘. I wrote down all the memories my kids will have of me being their mom. From the not so good to the not so bad. From the morning waffles, to covering them with blankets every time I see them laying on the couch (like it might magically make them nap (it doesn’t)). From me shuffling around in a housecoat complaining about kitchen counter space. To my gardening skills being limited to invasive squash plants and nurturing a weed I thought was a goji berry bush (it wasn’t).
This list is becoming a snapshot of everything that makes me uniquely their mom.
Sure, I will always have that ‘list’ of things I want to do with my kids. I still have things I want to try, intentions I have set, and ways I want to grow as a mom. But seeing everything out on paper has made me feel empowered in the ways I do make their little lives tragically awesome……
Like forcing them to listen to me ramble about bird identification. Or breaking out into song when they won’t stop asking me the same question over and over. Or how I fumble through trying to discipline each one of them. Or building legos with them, but pretty much the same box-‘house’ that they find kinda boring compared to their dad’s castle.
This list has helped me to feel like I don’t need to apologize, or do more, or even do less. I can worry less about mothering on purpose and just be the mom I was made, on purpose….and know that my kids will grow up a bit on the weird side. But, I mean…..we might all ask questions if they didn’t.
So I encourage you to do the same. Write a list of all the things your kids will remember about you being their mom. Don’t look around on social media and see what other moms are up to, look right in your own home. Because I’m fairly certain your list is kinda awesome! And that the more you pour into that, the more awesome motherhood can be.