Diapers, Will Ferrell and Baby Morse Code {Potty Training Commences}

My kids are very thoughtful. The other day they had four accidents on the floor, I’m pretty sure I saved $3.00 in diapers (yeah the cloth diapers aren’t getting full usage as of late). They heard I’m saving for an iPad, wanted to help out. Thoughtful.

Levi has learned to take off his pants…. and diaper. Latley every nap and bedtime he’s been naked by the time I leave his room and check the monitor.  I’m starting to wish diapers only came undone when you correctly answer a series of skill-testing questions.  Or at least ones about cheese or Millionaire Matchmaker so I could get them undone too.

I’m so done with two kids in diapers. Their personal record is nine poopy diapers in one day between them.  I’m pretty sure their baby morse code classes paid off cause you just know they are planning this nonsense. Smugly blinking at each other over their gluten free waffles in the morning planning tandem nap schedules and sharing fiber-boosting dietary tips. And check out their babytwitter, #4bmsbefore9am, cause I’m pretty sure it’s a legit bowel movement challenge this month.

So, ‘Let’s just get him potty trained’ we say. ‘How hard can it be?’ we say. I mean I would be willing to change a lot of habits if every time I had to pee I had the ability to shoot at cheerios in a bowl and get a Smartie for it.  Kids these days don’t know how good they have it.

Potty training. I can handle this.  I’ve been training for this since I was nine and two of my girl friends grabbed my hand to herald me into my first group bathroom break. And though I’ve always been confused by this North American ritual of womanhood I just knew deep down it was the dress rehearsal for the performance of my life.

Twenty one years later and I have a 29 month old who will sit on the toilet when he damn well wants to. Not before, not after. Only that little window of inopportune time does he adamantly demand to ‘BEEEEE’.  So we all stop what we are doing and head into the bathroom.

History repeats itself. I’m that girl passing time at the mirror waiting for one friend to finally pee already while the other friend complains that someone was mean to her. I’m holding the group together. I read books and sing a song, I check guard baby girl trying to get the toilet paper and toilet brush. There’s plenty of my life being wasted waiting in bathrooms. And nobody is peeing. But all this talk about it and now I have to go.

So I sit on the bowl and try the upsell. Dropping buzz words like ‘big girl’ and ‘bladder control’. The grand finale is the toilet paper (which he’s only allowed one square unless he pees or poops).  But I peed! So I get one third of the roll. I flick and toss it around. Similar to Will Ferrell’s ribbon dance in Old School. My toddler is unconvinced. Hygiene loses the competition to convenience. He’s right though, it would have been much more persuasive if Chariots of Fire was playing.

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