Dear Non-Pregnant Self {Ten Reasons NOT to Have A Fourth Kid}

Dear Non-Pregnant Self,

 

I have a very important message for you, you must listen carefully.

 

It is not a matter of IF It is a matter of WHEN. You WILL want another baby. Even though you are saying a daily promise “this is my last pregnancy”, you will soon loosen your commitment to these words. Newborn nostalgia will drown your heart in soupy emotions, get your ovaries drunk and unleash the part of your brain that makes you weepy and overly-maternal. Causing you to booty call your husband and then naively wonder how you got knocked up…..again.

 

Going from one to two was an easy jump, kids are like pack animals, they work better in tandem. Makes sense to make it a set and have one more. Three was a stretch in many people’s eyes but it was something you had your heart set on. So now you are asking ‘what is one more? I would love to have a bigger family! Why not four if we have three?’…..well saggy lady with mom-nesia,  I’ll tell you ten reasons WHY NOT

1. Remember how you said pregnancy makes you ‘your worst possible self’? oh, you ‘forgot’ did you – let me recap for you: you are overwhelmingly tired,  irrationally irritable to those closest to you, have daily headaches, complain that you feel like a whale, and you fart every 15 minutes after 6pm on to morning. You also can’t eat soft cheeses, lunch meat and sushi. So reason one: Pregnancy.

2. You are running out of space. Sure there is a chasm of love in your heart and crap like that, but logistically. Adding in another crib, another carseat, high chair, bumbo, exersaucer, bath seat, teddy bears, and a whole other set of Christmas and birthday gifts. Your home is about to look like you hired a Honey Boo Boo Child as an interior decorator….because in a way you did, times four.

 

3. This image: wool nursing pads that fall out of you nursing bra – which by the way, resembles a hospital restraint device.  Your girls have been through a lot and your nipples aren’t even pointing the same way any more. Yes, another baby will give you a generous new lease on womanly curves but this is a temporary lie.  You have finally found peace with your bosom and worked out a system of padded bras and faux chicken cutlets to balance the lopsided remains of what was once your bosom

 

4. Sure you can make homemade wine to pad the increase demand you will need, but have you seen your grocery bill lately?! You’ve got a gluten free kid to feed and they only eat more as they get older. Quinoa flour and aged cheddar are expensive! Good food and wine are a daily luxury you have as a mom, but I’m sure you can learn to appreciate the no name brand of pickles and get real creative with dinners made solely from potatoes and frozen peas.

5. You can see the horizon – the ultimate goal of parenting toddlers: sleeping through the night, potty trained, feeding themselves, playing independently. Although a baby is a blessing, they are also a ‘go back to start’ card.  Your whole family is ready to move to the next stage of outings, events and park dates – sure you can pack around a baby everywhere, but you already struggle with keeping everyone in line of sight; running for potty breaks; and snatching away that leftover pepperoni they found on the ground. And did I mention sleeping through the night? Also who throws out good meat!? Just saying.

6. This is another well -timed delay in getting your ‘fit mom’ status. Remember that day is always looking where you will have to fulfill your commitment to to  a home-made version of T25 and learning how to do a headstand once you ‘are done’

7. All those ‘sets of three’ you’ve bought thinking you could finally commit to a trio of Christmas stockings, matching dishes, lawn chairs, Easter mugs and all the other seasonal paraphernalia will be useless. You have two options: One. find some knock of versions that look similar for the fourth child, and they will always know they were an after thought or Two, start from a very pricey square one.

8. Two words: day drinking. That margarita in the sun while having a BBQ. That glass of wine at the end of the night with the hubby. The ladies’ nights that you have been DD for the past four years. Ain’t no shame in the liquid unwind, but hey, they say you can really get mellowed out with a good cup of chamomile….oh wait, no…they said that about wine.

 

9. They say kids are pricey, and you’ve saved some moola with hand me downs and the random cloth diapering but wait for the teenage phase. Hobbies, sports, lessons, tooth fairy inflation (plus a whole new set of chompers to pay for) and college savings is gonna get pretty tight on one income.  You gave up your career to be a stay at home mom, but that pay cheque is gonna feel tempting when funds get spread thin.

10. You are writing cheques your body can’t cash. You are one jumping jack and unexpected sneeze away from being the Depends poster girl. You are also running out of room on your belly for stretch marks, they might just start to streak horizontally as well as vertically making you look like a walking hashtag.

 

So while you still remember all these things run home, burn your nursing bras, schedule the vasectomy and start home brewing some wine in the basement.

You will thank me a year from now.

Sincerely,

Your Very Pregnant Self

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