Bad to Worse {Adore Your Pelvic Floor}

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I’m so happy I had a chance to have a VBAC but sad to say it has left me with one new addition to the list of ‘Things Nobody Tells You About Having A Baby’, which is: You might pee your pants after you’ve had a baby. There I said it! It happens. Don’t feel alone or ashamed when you are stocking your bathroom cupboards and purse pockets with various sized panty liners and regulating your coffee intake (snort).  Take comfort in the fact that the legs crossed, muffled sneeze is a universal code to other moms, superseding all language barriers: I’m afraid I might pee a little.

If you have this condition you should talk to your doctor. You might learn there is such a thing as a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist. She will be soft-spoken, intuitive and dabbles in some new age energy healing you don’t know anything about – but when she talks to you about it makes you all weepy and emotional.  She will give you some exercises to help strengthen your pelvic floor that might make your husband question why you are paying a professional who tells you to do this. Don’t be ashamed to ask your husband, ‘Can you just give me 20 minutes to myself without the kids? It is very important I practice my exercises so I can stop peeing a little and maybe feel a little sexier and MAYBE have a little more sex with you!’  This is a cursed cycle though. You definitely lose that loving feeling when mandatory exercise and thinking are involved. Sadly, the action you get is not about intimacy and passion but is more comparable to a technical meeting on the ligament structure of the core muscle groups of the blah blah blah… oh wait, I fell asleep.

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You might be amazed at all the muscles you didn’t realize were lining the forlorn battlefield of your vagina.  You might learn that it is more than just kegels to maintain your business! Your hips are out of whack from toting a toddler, your uterus is a deflated ballon and your dignity hitched a ride in the rush of amniotic fluid that vacated the premises months earlier. But don’t be ashamed. It could be worse…….

Your parents could ask you what medical appointment you are in town for. Because you aren’t ashamed you tell them you are seeing a Pelvic Floor Physiotherapist and hope they will fill in the blanks and graciously offer you an out by changing the subject to the adorable reason(s) you have this condition. So what’s worse than that? How about your Dad responding with a casual offer of your Mom’s 37 yr old set of ‘candles’ to help you with your pelvic floor exercises.

Not.enough.bleach.in.the.world.



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