I Switched to Android and Now I Don’t Know Life

How did this happen? I need to retrace my steps that led to this decision. The reason why  I said ‘Goodbye’ to my iPhone

I think it had something to do with too many grainy dark photos, and sobbing over deleted apps as I would consistently run out of storage. And it definitely had something to with my current iPhone requiring life support to stay running.

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Caution: putting your iPhone in your back pocket every day will possibly give you butt cheek cancer and most likely bend your phone out of its frame

Then there was the money aspect of footing the bill for a new iPhone….or getting a Samsung for free

I have had an iPhone since 2009. That is seven years of memorizing how it felt in my hand, interlacing it with my life in many  healthy and unhealthy ways –  that I was even waking up to having operated it in my sleep (who else is on Amazon at midnight??).

I knew the iPhone the way I know my way to the pantry in the dark…and I knew the iPad and the Macbook and the Apple TV. WE ARE DEEP IN MAC LAND! And here I am ready to jump this minimalist-technology ship and everyone is confused but I’m telling myself that my iPad will maintain my ‘technologically relevant’ status.

I had been without a functioning phone for over a week (which is a whole post in itself) So I made the jump and ordered a Samsung as my replacement.

And then here comes this strange faux-wood box in the mail.

My new Samsung phone.

First thoughts; it is giant. Does it come with finger extenders? Or will my fingers naturally stretch on their own? (isn’t that how evolution works? survival of the techiest?).

And then I turned it on and started using it. After some hiccups, I got my messages to work and got back on the texting train.

All my iMessage friends thought I was breaking up with them. “WHY ARE YOU GREEN!?” They cried out in yell-y texts.

All my Samsung friends laughed maniacally about having a new recruit in the flock. They texted me these strange emojis. SAMSUNG HAS DIFFERENT EMOJIS!! They are like the IOS emojis but a different mustard tone and feel kind of hyped up. The way you might feel around your cousin who wears peacock eye shadows, randomly bursts into 80s pop songs, and aims her ponytail straight up to Jesus. And just try and share these emojis with the world. You can’t! The IOS system just turns them into a grey X or filters them into a more palatable version of the emotion that is being emoted. THEY ARE HUSHING MY EMOJI GAME!

My text skillz are going downhill if I can’t even talk to my besties in emojis. Where are big eyes? Where is sheepish sarcastic grin?? WHERE???

Thanks for ruining emojis Samsung.

I searched facebook for a support group for people who have switched operating systems (I wish I was exaggerating). There is no such group. I have so many questions!? Where did the cloud go? Do I get a new one? When I delete a picture is it like really really deleted? When does SIRI show up? Can she come over and play?

So my only means of support is spotting the phone that people are holding and then trying to slide into the conversation, ‘So…samsung eh? Yup. Me too…..so, how do you do, like, everything? ‘ I’m hanging up my LadyNerd title and claiming my throne as Most Exciting Guest at Dinner Party.

BUT I’ve slowly gotten the hang of the Samsung. I set a passcode of swipes. I put on an adorable theme to remind me that I can’t give up on my daily life goals!

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I added a couple more to my wishlist. Like this dashing man who says ‘you think you care about hygiene, but you don’t care enough’.

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I got the hang of the new camera phone and behold this new feature called…..(wait for it)….beauty face! Because, your selfies were just ‘meh’ all the times before. Now you are officially beautiful. What makes a ‘beauty face’ you ask? Well, from what I see it blurs your wrinkles and evens out your skin tone and I look like I’ve actually slept in the past five years! HA!  The iPhone doesn’t have beauty face. What, they don’t want me to look more youthful and not like my actual face? Jerks. With camera function like beauty face, how can we go wrong as a society?!

switching to samsung from iphone

The other bonus of the android is the flashing light at the top of the phone. It’s always there, flashing away. Like a little beacon that turns different colours when you have a message. This saves me a whole trip to the phone where I have to turn it on and check it and then my kids are like ‘why are you checking your phone? who messaged you? what did they say?’ and I sob ‘noooobody messaged me! I was just checking!’ and they are all, ‘it’s ok mom, they’ll text you soon….loser’. Well, this conversation only happens in my head, but now it doesn’t happen at all. Thank you happy blinking colour light!

On the plus side there were a lot of apps that switched over to android. I can still pick up where I left off with my kindle, my iTunes music, and voxer. And I DO love the quality of the photos. Because like most moms, my phone is basically a camera that also has social media and an alarm clock . . . . .

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On the downside, I can’t view a preview of each individual text message on my lock screen, so don’t bother texting me. If I can’t read it on my lock screen then it doesn’t exist and our communication will be left to Instagram comments and facebook messages. But no emojis. So, maybe just show up at my door if you want to talk to me. Bring baked goods. (coffee emoji. dancing girl emoji)

So my life, filled with first world problems like purging my excess of underwear and choosing waffle toppings, is officially ‘tough’ as I spend the next few months wrestling with my new phone while maintaining a level of chill beyond my current technological abilities.

And now I will sign off with a haiku of Samsung emojis:

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