I have a problem.
Even when my house is clean I still feel unsettled.
Because there is still clutter. Clutter makes me all panicky. I know not everyone feels this way, but my mind feels clearer when my space is clearer.
The presence of dishes on the counter is a mental block for me; I can never find that smell in the bathroom; I hate stepping over all the toys on the floor and PILLOWS NEED TO STAY ON THE COUCH! WHY ARE THEY NEVER ON THE COUCH?? WE NEED TO INVENT A PILLOW THAT STAYS ON THE COUCH!!!
You might not know I’m thinking all this unless you spend enough time with me. And see me compulsively eyeing up the pillows the kids just threw on the floor. This narrative is the B-roll in my head. I’m spazzing on the inside but on the outside I smile and float along all ‘of course it’s messy, we live here!’ ‘the cleaning can wait, toes don’t stay tiny forever’.
I’ve been saying these types of sentiments for the past 4.5 years when I can’t keep up with the housework (so I’ve been saying it a lot).
Still, I found myself struggling and striving to live above these words. I found myself having trouble letting their truth drop into my heart like a copper coin clinks into a piggy bank.
I was selling it, I wasn’t buying it.
Because I have a problem.
Trying to make this ‘had a problem’.
Since really letting myself crack open with my writing I’ve realized how deep my need is to ‘create’ something. I’m sure we all have that ‘something’. As I’ve devoted more time to writing I’ve realized there are things that only I can do in a given day…..
Things that give me satisfaction, sense of purpose, things I love…..Write, play with my kids, sit and talk with my husband, create, pray, eat the expensive cheese, laugh with my girlfriends, have a heart to heart with my sister, get outside, make a delicious dinner that my kids will hate, put on some lipstick and wonder why all my plants are dying.
The more I’ve been trying to live life ON PURPOSE and fill my days with these things that are going to deepen my love, things that will outlast , I find I get a little more sentimental about how fast my kids will be off and in kindergarten. One after another.
Because toes don’t stay tiny forever.
And I’m pretty sure no mom ever looked back and said, “I wished I would have spent more time cleaning”
Love Shawna, Your nerdy girlfriend who is leaving the dishes and letting the pillows stay on the floor today.
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